Mack is a 14-year-old unicorn salesman; he is the best in the business. Mack makes so much money he doesn't know what to do with it. He already possesses one of everything and doesn't want any pairs. In my opinion Mack should just quit his job and donate most of his money. What do you think he should do?
It had some of the components of a good hook, but I don't think it hd enough to be a good hook. I would suggest a longer hook, and more components.
ReplyDeleteYou had a good hook but it didn't necessarly "hook" you into it. I would suggest, like Robert said, more compents but also more detail to it. Like where is he, what does he sell, where does he live, how big is his house, what does he look like, etc.
ReplyDeleteThis has a good start. Mack's problem is that he has too much money; rather than ask the reader what Mack should do with it, consider asking the question from Mack's point of view. For example, Mack could be wondering if he should hold a contest for people to prove themselves the most needy of his money. The reader would then be pulled in to wonder who would win.
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